Monday, June 10, 2013

Not-So-Clean Background

I think it’s time for some background on how I got to where I am today. I’ve always been active – when I was younger, sports kept me busy. I played ringette for at least 10 years, and rugby in high school. I always thought that my body size was average, and I was always self-conscious of it. This dates back to grade school, when I was self-conscious of my lower body thinking it was too big. I’ve come a long way, since I am now grateful for all of the hard work I put in skating over the years to build strong glutes – from what I hear, it’s not easy to get a nice butt if you start out with a small one!

Looking back at high school, I’m not even going to kid myself and pretend I was healthy. I certainly wasn’t as unhealthy as I could have been, but the thought of what I used to eat, and how I used to think makes me cringe. I remember being obsessed with the amount of fat in foods – I thought if it was low fat, it was good. This “diet” included Skittles and ice cream on a very regular basis. I slowly gained weight throughout high school, but it was gradual enough that I didn’t really notice. 

Disclaimer: I use the word “diet” to refer to what one eats, not a diet like Atkins or Weight Watchers. 

By the time I got to university I had stopped playing sports, and my weight started to rise at a faster pace. This is when my struggle with my weight really started. Throughout the course of university I went through cycles – I likely averaged about 160 lbs on my 5’7 frame during the 4 years. At times I was severely limiting calorie intake, running and lifting weights, and dropped to my lowest at the time of 146 lbs. I felt great, but as soon as classes started up again, I was back to hovering around 160. After spending a summer in France, I think I topped the scale at 170 lbs, which was frightening. All this time – I considered myself healthy! I don’t know how, but it is shocking to think about. A salad for lunch and skipping dinner to have candy from Bulk Barn later doesn’t count as healthy.

For the last 8 years at least, I’ve been obsessed with the number on the scale. I've never been really overweight, but I've rarely been truly happy with myself. A bad relationship in university left me struggling with my confidence levels, and I started correlating my self-worth with my weight. I’ve gotten much better, and most of my self-talk is positive but like many women, I still compare myself to others, and am a victim of media-portrayed picture of beauty. I’m working on this as part of my clean lifestyle, and I’m hoping that writing down my thoughts will help make me a happier and more positive person!

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